Addiction 2

                                                

           I had seen the beauty in his soul, and knowing what lied within the walls of his insecurity and fear, I could not give up. He was simply too magnificent, and I wanted to free him, to be the key that unlocked him from the prison I knew he was in. I knew that once he realized that I was true, that he could trust me, and that I was everything he could ever want and more, our bond would be invincible.

               As our relationship progressed, he gave just enough, but never enough. He was constantly searching for a reason to doubt me – going through my things, and thinking that I was lying to him about where I was when I was away from him. It was a game he played. One minute we were close, and the next he was accusing me of betrayal and lies. It was agony for me, as I was powerless. I could not control his faulty beliefs        But I wanted to. I wanted more. I craved his touch. I lived in the memory of his caress, and the ecstasy that went along with it, and I could not give up my attempts to win him over.
                  I wanted to prove to him that he could trust me. I wanted him to give me that feeling of complete and absolute bliss all the time, I needed to feel his love, I craved it, and it ached in the deepest way.
I surrendered to his power. I gave him control, and he took it, greedily, and used it to hurt me.
I did everything he asked. My entire existence revolved around him, and earning his love.
I made sacrifices on his behalf. I worshiped him, and I laid down my life to serve him. I gave up everything. All I wanted to do was be with him, for him to touch me and make love to me as i had always dreamt of and imagined.

               But no matter how much I gave, no matter what I did, it was never enough, and he still couldn’t trust. Without his trust, he couldn’t love me completely and he held back from me the love I had felt before. I felt rejected, and it hurt. I was deeply pained, and broken-hearted. This caused me great sorrow, as I had truly done it all. I did all he wanted, yet he still didn’t believe that I was faithful, that I loved him.
What was I to do?

                                                                           
           He was all I had, as I gave up my family and my friends for him. I sacrificed time with my children, had given him money, gift, clothes, drugs – and my love – all of it went to him. I had nothing left, and still neither he, nor I was satisfied.

         I became depressed, miserable in my present state, yet he no longer provided refuge. I was desperate, and I was draining slowly to empty. I could feel the life seeping from my soul. I had lost myself in him, and was floating alone in a sea of despair.

         He thought there was something wrong with me, and said I was crazy.It was always a turpsy turvey relationship,one moment he was the reason of my smiles and the next the cause of excruciating pain.He certainly had my number and could dial me up in ways he wanted and leave me hanging to fall into an emotional abyss of my own making.I so desperately wanted him to be there for me.

              He is like a chameleon,acclimating to each situation and enviroment,not giving much to it but taking in all it has to offer ,then if it gets bored,it moves to another .Slowly his love for me turned to hatred and it was obvious from the moment he changed from saying I love you to just Love you.Call me crazy ,even as written as those words are and he didnt necessarly have to say it,i could feel the difference and lack of emotions in the words Love you..Overtime it dwindled...I was losing him and there was nothing i could do about it...
      
         In my moments of sadness, he abandoned me, and I was all alone.I needed him to be there for me but he left.i have always been there for him for 4 years and just when i needed him to be there for me,he wasn't,i guess i shouldnt have been surprised as he had never been there or had my back throughout the entire relationship,But you can't blame me.i had seen his beauty and what he could do when he wants to be a darling ,i see the light in his darkness,it makes me constantly hope for the change,the next curve,the next bend where he would come back to me and when he didnt,the self loathing and hatred began.
      
  

                                            


Hell is a place for those beyond redemption,i was in one and knew the feeling.This young man deserves to be in hell,i know he would have many friends there,he is like a little demon,a little squirming bug that catches you when you are defenceless,sneaks a bite at u and runs into hiding.I do not hate him,i just pray karma fucks him up as much as he fucked me.,So fuck him,fuck his little spineless games,fuck his self righteousness,fuck his life,fuck his existence,may he burn in the fires of hell,

The waves of self-hatred and regret crashed on me like the tsunami, destroying all hope.
I drifted in the turbulence of torment, and struggled to stay afloat, flooded by the swells of my tears. I was lost in the current, unable to see solid ground.
I feared I would die, and was overcomed with the regret of my life, and the position I was now in.

       I do not wish him bad anymore,After a divine intervention i realised I no longer need or want this man whom I thought I loved so much. I have something better, that is not based on need. I have love – true, unconditional love.  
      
       This man, whom I loved so much, did not love me. He couldn’t, because he had not love in his heart, as real love comes from God. He despised God, and had closed the door for God to enter.
He used me. He manipulated me.A selfish self centered spineless fool,who took me for a fool and played me. He took advantage of my vulnerability but he is just human and i dont blame him,he is not enlightened and i dont judge him for his ignorance.he is just a phase i had to pass through to get to where i am now.A place of unlimited hapiness and a love so supreme its power still amaze me.
       
             But I still love him, because I have the love of God within me, and my love is real, unconditional, forgiving, and pure. I do not judge or condemn. I want for him to know this, and I pray that someday he will come to know this for himself, as even he is worthy of God’s love.The love we give away, is the only love we keep...To love is not to look at one another, but to look together in the same direction

Oh, and did I mention the name of the man?
ADDICTION
                                                           

Addiction 01

      When I met her, I was withered, having been betrayed by many and longing desperately to meet my Princess ,My one in a million , one who would truly love me, and more importantly, make me feel loved.
     We talked for hours on end, and she listened attentively as I opened my heart to her. Her, like me, had been through a lot, and we could relate to each others’ pain. We just connected, on a very basic level, and as we grew close, I found myself more and more attracted to her.
      She was beautiful,in heart and body. She radiated understanding and affection. I was immediately attracted to her, like a magnet, I drew near, and the close I got, the stronger the pull.
     One night, as we were talking, our Minds met, and before I knew it, we were tangled in a sea of passion. It was intense, and unlike anything I had ever experience – it was hot, and we were on fire.                                                                                                            Her kiss was deep and wild, and I was engulfed with passion. It was pure and raw, and completely uninhibited.
Her eyes pierced me with desire. She wanted me and I knew it. I loved it, to feel her need, and when she laid her hands on me
I felt the waves of electricity flow through my body as if I had been lit on fire
And fire it was

           I was dry as the desert, and my skin parched, and the heat sparked raging flames of desire fueled by my thirst
I had turned to dust, and the slightest wind was about to blow me away. I was desperate for substance. My life was empty, and I longed to be loved, to feel loved, and special.
        She was the answer to my prayers, my Joan of Arc, come to rescue me from my despair.
The flames of my desire for her were all consuming
I morphed into a famished beast, starving, and I attacked. Biting away the raw meat as if I hadn’t eaten for months. Licking furiously at her loins
                       She tasted GOOD
My mouth bathed in the taste of her skin, I could feel her pulse as I ripped into her thighs
The flavor of her body was intoxicating, and the pleasure I felt was pure ecstasy
My body convulsed in waves of pleasure that I had never even thought possible
Licking and biting the raw meat of her Essence I became a like wild animal
         I devoured her. I was insatiable. With every bite I felt more alive.
She nourished me, and fed me. She was my elixir of pain, my cocktail of sensation and escape from the barren life I had known.

Together, we built an atomic bomb, feeding on itself and exploding with need.
I would do anything for her.
     She had brought me back to life, and I could not live without her,
She was the cure of all my ailments and she alone soothed my pain.
She knew exactly what I needed. She understood my suffering. She had felt it herself. she numbed my pain, and with her I no longer ached.
               I felt alive, but my life was dependant on her love. I did not want to lose her. I could not stand the thought. With her, I felt complete.
She was possessive, and full of jealousy. She said she didn’t trust me. The slightest things made her angry,She was a different person all together when she gets angry and her anger scared me…not because I was afraid of her, but because I was afraid of losing her.
I could not bear it, to not have her pleasure, to return to my state of starvation as I had been before.
                She feared that if I wandered too far from her grasp,She turned into a control freak,Always wanting to be a step ahead even when there was no where to go,out of fear that she would lose me to another,
She wanted me want her as much as she wanted me. I wanted me to need her as much as I needed me...
To love me as I loved her…unconditionally

                                 coming soon to you