I had seen the beauty in his soul, and knowing what lied within the walls of his insecurity and fear, I could not give up. He was simply too magnificent, and I wanted to free him, to be the key that unlocked him from the prison I knew he was in. I knew that once he realized that I was true, that he could trust me, and that I was everything he could ever want and more, our bond would be invincible.
As our relationship progressed, he gave just enough, but never enough. He was constantly searching for a reason to doubt me – going through my things, and thinking that I was lying to him about where I was when I was away from him. It was a game he played. One minute we were close, and the next he was accusing me of betrayal and lies. It was agony for me, as I was powerless. I could not control his faulty beliefs But I wanted to. I wanted more. I craved his touch. I lived in the memory of his caress, and the ecstasy that went along with it, and I could not give up my attempts to win him over.
I wanted to prove to him that he could trust me. I wanted him to give me that feeling of complete and absolute bliss all the time, I needed to feel his love, I craved it, and it ached in the deepest way.
I surrendered to his power. I gave him control, and he took it, greedily, and used it to hurt me.
I did everything he asked. My entire existence revolved around him, and earning his love.
I made sacrifices on his behalf. I worshiped him, and I laid down my life to serve him. I gave up everything. All I wanted to do was be with him, for him to touch me and make love to me as i had always dreamt of and imagined.
But no matter how much I gave, no matter what I did, it was never enough, and he still couldn’t trust. Without his trust, he couldn’t love me completely and he held back from me the love I had felt before. I felt rejected, and it hurt. I was deeply pained, and broken-hearted. This caused me great sorrow, as I had truly done it all. I did all he wanted, yet he still didn’t believe that I was faithful, that I loved him.
What was I to do?
He was all I had, as I gave up my family and my friends for him. I sacrificed time with my children, had given him money, gift, clothes, drugs – and my love – all of it went to him. I had nothing left, and still neither he, nor I was satisfied.
I became depressed, miserable in my present state, yet he no longer provided refuge. I was desperate, and I was draining slowly to empty. I could feel the life seeping from my soul. I had lost myself in him, and was floating alone in a sea of despair.
He thought there was something wrong with me, and said I was crazy.It was always a turpsy turvey relationship,one moment he was the reason of my smiles and the next the cause of excruciating pain.He certainly had my number and could dial me up in ways he wanted and leave me hanging to fall into an emotional abyss of my own making.I so desperately wanted him to be there for me.
He is like a chameleon,acclimating to each situation and enviroment,not giving much to it but taking in all it has to offer ,then if it gets bored,it moves to another .Slowly his love for me turned to hatred and it was obvious from the moment he changed from saying I love you to just Love you.Call me crazy ,even as written as those words are and he didnt necessarly have to say it,i could feel the difference and lack of emotions in the words Love you..Overtime it dwindled...I was losing him and there was nothing i could do about it...
In my moments of sadness, he abandoned me, and I was all alone.I needed him to be there for me but he left.i have always been there for him for 4 years and just when i needed him to be there for me,he wasn't,i guess i shouldnt have been surprised as he had never been there or had my back throughout the entire relationship,But you can't blame me.i had seen his beauty and what he could do when he wants to be a darling ,i see the light in his darkness,it makes me constantly hope for the change,the next curve,the next bend where he would come back to me and when he didnt,the self loathing and hatred began.
Hell is a place for those beyond redemption,i was in one and knew the feeling.This young man deserves to be in hell,i know he would have many friends there,he is like a little demon,a little squirming bug that catches you when you are defenceless,sneaks a bite at u and runs into hiding.I do not hate him,i just pray karma fucks him up as much as he fucked me.,So fuck him,fuck his little spineless games,fuck his self righteousness,fuck his life,fuck his existence,may he burn in the fires of hell,
The waves of self-hatred and regret crashed on me like the tsunami, destroying all hope.
I drifted in the turbulence of torment, and struggled to stay afloat, flooded by the swells of my tears. I was lost in the current, unable to see solid ground.
I feared I would die, and was overcomed with the regret of my life, and the position I was now in.
I do not wish him bad anymore,After a divine intervention i realised I no longer need or want this man whom I thought I loved so much. I have something better, that is not based on need. I have love – true, unconditional love.
This man, whom I loved so much, did not love me. He couldn’t, because he had not love in his heart, as real love comes from God. He despised God, and had closed the door for God to enter.
He used me. He manipulated me.A selfish self centered spineless fool,who took me for a fool and played me. He took advantage of my vulnerability but he is just human and i dont blame him,he is not enlightened and i dont judge him for his ignorance.he is just a phase i had to pass through to get to where i am now.A place of unlimited hapiness and a love so supreme its power still amaze me.
But I still love him, because I have the love of God within me, and my love is real, unconditional, forgiving, and pure. I do not judge or condemn. I want for him to know this, and I pray that someday he will come to know this for himself, as even he is worthy of God’s love.The love we give away, is the only love we keep...To love is not to look at one another, but to look together in the same direction
Oh, and did I mention the name of the man?
ADDICTION
Emotional piece! Nice! A mirror reflection of your own emotional turmoil I guess!
ReplyDelete